Oh Ryan, you precious meathead. You are so nice to look at, and so full of protein. Your lovely body is a beauty to behold; and your hair, when you have not accidentally dyed it green, is a thing of loveliness.
It’s no wonder you were cast as “Sex Idiot” on that one episode of 30 Rock.
Please, do not speak another word. Or maybe do: sometimes, the jumble of words falling from your lips only serves to highlight that you have two main functions in the public sphere — to swim and be gazed upon.
Alas, Ryan has recently developed a third function, and that is to be a jailhouse model after being accused by the Brazilian police of fabricating a story about being held up at gunpoint. The truth, they say, is that he and some other swimmers broke a bathroom door at a gas station. Why would this require an elaborate hoax about a holdup? Who knows how Ryan might have located this story in the labyrinth of his mind.
1. “These are my shoes that I designed from top to the very sole to the very top to the bottom. Laces.”
Yes Ryan. Very good. Do you need help with the laces? Maybe next time we’ll get you shoes with velcro, kiddo. Please try to hold your ice cream cone level while we tie them for you.
2. “One of my favorite movies: What Women Want.”
Very nice. What do women want, Ryan? Is it conversation and intellectual stimulation? Of course they do, but that is not all. They also appreciate a man’s chest. You have a fine one, so you should probably get it out now. Very good.
3. “One time I really had to go, man, and I was up in the next heat. So I got up on the blocks and I just started peeing in my Speedo. On top of the blocks. And I had my goggles on and started crying because I thought everyone behind me was looking at me and laughing.”
Oh come here you precious little man. Don’t cry. Rest your head right here. That’s right. There there. Just sit right there on our lap and you can pee on us all day long.
4. “You know what? Ryan Lochte is a pretty good speechmaker.”
Yes you are. Who’s a pretty good speechmaker? It’s you. You are. Yes you. What a good speechmaker. The best. Oh so good. You want the ball? Here’s the ball. Ready? Ready? Here it comes. Go fetch!
5. “We have a lot of stuff in common. She likes salt and vinegar chips, like the white gummy bears, she lives here in Miami.”
Never before has a menu item screamed “Miami” quite like salt and vinegar chips with white gummy bears. Unclear how this particular course is served, but let’s assume it’s at a sleepover where Ryan has been allowed to watch an PG-13-rated movie for the first time. That movie is “Evolution” starring David Duchovny and Orlando Jones.
6. “The reason why I love swimming is because racing.”
Yes, vroom vroom, off you go! What a fast little man you are. Champion!
7. “I never knew having a banana and drinking Sprite you automatically puke!”
Well, that’s not strictly true, Ryan. You can have a banana and Sprite together, but if you then mistake a bottle of Windex for a sports drink that might upset your tummy.
8. “To travel is sometimes better to arrive.”
Oh, that’s a very … okay, sure.
9. “I believe everyone has a soul mate that they can spend the rest of their life together.”
Aw, yes, what a pretty thing to believe. Are we soulmates, Ryan? It’s possible we are, and not just because we have chained you naked to the living room sofa. (It’s for your own safety.)
10. “In life, I’m always living life to the fullest to always have fun.”
Us too, Ryan, us too.