Coming in from a night out, me and Simon crashed on my sofa and flicked on the TV. We’d been out drinking but had come home fairly early, it was freezing out and we weren’t really in the mood for all the noise of the bars. I had whiskey at home – we’d both got into whiskey when we were younger, all the other guys drinking beer, I think me and Simon felt more sophisticated drinking whiskey – which was a laugh, because we always got the cheapest stuff available, rough as sandpaper.
We’d known each other years – from school. We’d always been best mates, Simon was the first guy I told about my feelings for other guys, years before anyone else. He was the only person I knew wouldn’t be freaked out by it, would still be with me. We’d always been besties, we still were.
When I came out to him, I remember – I was only 15 – I remember he just gave me a hug. He was straight as they come, he said, but was glad I’d told him. It made us even closer, I guess, that secret knowledge we had with each other, before anyone else knew.
At first he sued to ask me – ‘what, so you don’t feel ANYTHING for women’? He thought it was incredible, I guess because he was always so horny, he couldn’t imagine looking at a gorgeous woman and not feeling anything. But then, I couldn’t imagine loosing at a gorgeous guy and not feeling anything. We talked loads about it, at first, but then I guess it just became another part of me, in the background.
Anyway. We came in from this night out and crashed on the sofa, flicked on the TV. I poured us some whiskey (good stuff, this time), and we sat and stared at some game show in comfortable silence for a while.
Then, ‘what’s it like?’ he asked, sounding kind of distant, kind of hesitant.
‘With a guy. I mean… do they kiss different? Do they feel different?’
I said I didn’t know… I mean I’d never been with a woman, so how would I know how being with a guy is any different?
‘I’m just… I’m just curious’, he said.
I started to wonder what he was getting at; he’d never said anything like this before, but then again he’d also always been a very sexual guy… maybe he was getting more than curious.
I glanced over and his and was resting gently by his belt, his fingers splayed over his crotch. Kind of hinting. I felt a quiver in my belly, a double beat in my heart; I stirred, excited… but why? I’d never felt this way for Simon before.
Maybe it was curiosity. Maybe it was the thrill of something new. Whatever it was, I felt my breathing become shallow.
‘I guess guys are… rougher, maybe. Harder. And I guess…’
I hesitated, not sure where, really I was going with this.
‘I guess we know what feels good… how to make another guy feel good’
I met his eyes; he was looking at me, gently, but meaningfully. His lips temptingly, teasing parted. Almost… almost a smile. Was he leading me on? Or did he mean…
I looked back down to his jeans, to his hand hooked casually around his belt. With his other hand he took a brief swig of whiskey.
‘I just wonder, sometimes, exactly how it feels…’
I took a swig of whiskey too, and reached over, gingerly put my hand on his thigh. He closed his eyes and smiled; my hand moved up, along; I turned and shifted, wrapped my other arm around his neck and leaned in…
We kissed. Not passionate, not wild; but gentle, soft. Tender. Lost each other to each other for a moment, I guess.
I don’t really know if guys are different to women; but I can tell you that being with your oldest friend – that is something special. And even though we never did anything ever again, I know Simon thought so too.