I am Benny, I am just 16 years old and I know by now that I am gay. I have been really troubled in this regard for the past 2 years, since my early 14s, but things have begun to take shape now. None of my friends know about it and I have never had a boyfriend so far, but I know what I feel and I cannot deny it anymore.
The closest thing to a relationship I ever had was with a girl from my neighborhood, called Marie, but we have only been together for 2 months or so. I did not feel any attraction towards her, no matter how hard I would have tried and that is when I started becoming suspicious about who I was. And right from the beginning I was reluctant to tell my family the truth. My parents are more conservatives than my friends’ and I kind of suspected how they would react.
But I knew I could not hide it forever, especially since it prevented me from being happy with who I was. So I decided to tell them the truth and rather face the risk of rejection than having to live in the closet anymore. It was a risky decision, but I was ready to take on the consequences.
I was already feeling embarrassed at school, since I could not have a conversation with my friends about girls. I took part in all of the discussions, but they were talking about ways to seduce them, they were making plans and dreams and this is not something I was capable of. At least not with girls.
Also, I discovered I am attracted by a close friend of mine, although he still does not know it. I don’t know if he is gay or not, but I like him and I want to tell him; it is just that I lack courage. Especially after what happened to my parents, who went haywire after I told them the truth. Yea, I did not get to mention that.
I came out of the closet 3 weeks ago and my family has been divided ever since. My mom told me she is disappointed, that she did not raise a gay son and that I have cheated her expectations. My dad, on the other hand, was furious. I assume she wanted a manlier son, because that is how he is.
Since I revealed myself to them, their attitude has not changed so far. They are different towards me and I can see that in the way they treat my little sister. I seem to be the outcast now and I have a strong sensation that they hate me, which makes me unhappy, almost the same as I was when I was in the closet.
And I don’t know what to do yet. I am probably in love with one of my friends and my parents hate me for being gay. I guess life is not as easy as it may seem at first…