“Plant your feet and stand tall”, Mary Lincoln said. “The only question is knowing where to plant them”. I was born in a Christian home but even as a 12 year old, my mind seemed to be already flawed. When I was 9 and all the girls were having crushes on boys, I was in the sport stands with my male friends, reading a book as I cheered them on and got hot flushes from looking at the girls on the other side of the stand.
My first kiss was from a girl and it just confirmed things my subconscious already knew. My 15 year old self had crushes on boys but they always seemed to lack depth. Then I started studying with a church and was shocked to discover that I could not just grow up and marry a woman. I discussed with the church elders who used bible verses to prove the kind of damnation that awaited me. And when I still insisted that this was natural to me, I was simply told “it’s not natural”. I finished my study and got baptized, which looking back now, I see as the beginning of the end.
At different points in my life I would hear all sorts about what was to me my natural sexuality. From a family friend who was a doctor and told me that I had lost control of my ID, which was the part that controlled the ego and super ego. To the well-wisher who told me this was just a bad habit when I had not even made love with a woman yet.
It took me a long string of failed relationships, engagements (one of them was broken off a month before the date when the invitations were already out) and loss of self to finally face my true nature. I regret all the time I spent in the closet that I allowed society and my own failings to put me in. Looking back, it looks like my 12 year old self was more intelligent than I am.
But for the first time in my life, I do not feel like a fraud. My skin has never felt as comfortable as it feels now. I am more confident, freer, playful, and funny. All the things that I could never be before. You might think that owning up to your sexuality cannot have such a drastic effect on you. I dare you to try it. Be you. Be natural. Will there be pain? Yes. Will there be agony? Yes. Will you cry yourself to sleep for any and all of the following reasons – fear, regret, uncertainty and frustration? Yes.
But believe me when I say it a small price to pay for the joy of setting free your natural sexuality. Walk the path of self-discovery and watch as a whole new life opens up to you. To quote the words of Japanese writer, Haruki Makami,”when you come out of the storm, you will not be the same person that walked in. That’s what this storm is all about”.