One day you wake up and you feel the same as any other average morning.
The sun is up, you jump in the shower and get dressed. You grab a cup of coffee and hit the road. As usual, you drive into the city. You notice the billboard that you pass every morning has changed and now shows an ad for Calvin Klein with women in whitey tighties. Hmmm. You get to the gym for your morning workout, and there seems to be many more women than usual. The men you usually see in the morning don’t seem to be around. The spin class is full, and you notice the instructor is different than usual. You work out, shower, and get back on the road to your office.
On the way there, you drive through “Boystown,” and the rainbow flags that adorned the street from Gay Pride have been taken down already. The coffee shop around the corner from work seems to be quite desolate for this time of day. Weird.
In the office, all of the guys seem to be dressed very casual, no pristine suits and perfect color coordination. Ok. Something is wrong. Laura from accounting pops in your office and tells you the morning meeting is cancelled. Phew, no presentation to give today. You put your stuff down, and then take a walk around the office. Kathy is at her desk, and isn’t coy and flirtatious today, and simply says “Good morning.”
Then you catch the television in the break room. The news is on, and they are talking about AB 69, the bill that if it passes, allows men to marry women in the state. You stop in your tracks. What??? You run to the restroom, splash your face with water and try to shake it off. What’s the hell?
Now you are noticing every little thing around you. Joe and Andrew kiss each other in plain view. When did they come out at work? Stan is giving Jon a neck massage in his cubicle. You wish they would get a room already. Back at your desk, the CNN news page headline says “Heterosexuality Gene Found.” Now you are confused. Really confused.
You enter a Google search for “Gay Pride 2015.” No hits. OK. How about “Gay Pride?” NO HITS. You push away from your desk, and trot down to Ben’s office. He is your best friend, and if you are losing your mind, he will tell you. He is at his desk, he looks a little less put together as usual – especially since his break-up with Steve – he has been dressing to kill. You walk in and say “Ben, what the hell is going on?” He responds: “What do you mean?” You think twice and say: “Why are all the gay guys showing major PDA today? And did you see CNN this morning?”
“I don’t know what you mean – everyone seems ok to me. And yeah, I saw CNN. I don’t know how they could think a man could love a woman because it’s in his genes. Ridiculous. No one is born that way. They are just sexual deviants.” Then he gets a phone call, and you step out and go back to your office. You put your coat on and go home early.
You feel sick. Delusional even. You wake up the next morning and turn on the TV. The “Today Show” is featuring a world renowned specialist on fertility. He says that if our health care system doesn’t change and allow for In vitro fertilization coverage on standard plans, the world population will decrease at a rate of 10% per year until extinction. He added that the heterosexual embryo programs are no longer being funded. All normal couples will need to continue insemination by proxy for now.
A commercial break. “Do you need to initiate or complete your transsexual surgical process? The surgeons at Cedar-Sinai have the best outcomes and highest post-op pregnancy rates. Call 1-800-FOR-LIFE.
Then you feel someone shaking you. “Wake up, wake up. The procedure is over.”
“How did it go?” You ask. Jeez it WAS a dream.
“Superb, the woman says, “You were a trooper. Your wisdom teeth are all gone now.”
Then you hear what was probably the anesthesiologist say, “Nurse, is Mr. Jones prepped for the Uterine Implant?”
At that point you lose consciousness.