Hi, I am Ivan! I am from Russia, which means that this is not my real name and for good reasons. I wouldn’t have had to be forced to hide my real identity if it were not for the sudden and important changes that took place in my life recently. But let’s start with the beginning.
Ever since I was 15 years old (I am 22 now, by the way) I suffered from depression and panic attacks and I have even went through 2 suicide attempts, last of which took place 4 months ago. I am sorry for starting my story in such a negative note, but it is necessary, because these episodes finally led to the major turns that my life took in the last few months. I remember clearly now that I was pretty confused about a lot of things in the past and I realize it was because I have not been properly educated in some important matters that every young boy needs to know about. I am talking here especially about sexuality, what defines it and how important it is in one’s life. I always knew that there was something different about me, that I was not like other boys of my age, but there was no one to explain to me what it was and whether it was normal or not. My dad left mom and me since I was born, which led my mom to a drinking rampage from which she has never recovered. This left me with no guidance and, I realize now, it drove me to the path of depression.
I knew that I am a homosexual around the age of 18, when things became clearer and finally understood what it meant, but this was not something to offer me relief. In fact, I was terrified with the thought, even more so when realizing that it was beyond my control. I wanted to like girls, I wanted to be like everybody else, but my mind seemed to work regardless of my will. But I have tried.
One year ago I met Tanya, a decent and sweet girl, 2 years younger than me. I soon realized that she was in love with me and I really enjoyed her company, but I could not tell her that I did not felt the same way. I knew she would have been devastated, which is why I kept it all to myself for quite some time.
However, this also led me to a spiral of depression and bad thoughts. I felt like I was living in a world that will never allow me to be happy. I knew how the other guys treated homosexuality, because I have had witnessed what happened when a gay would come out, or would be discovered. There are a lot of homophobes in the Russian society and, what’s worse is that the public perception mixes homosexuals with pedophiles.
I soon started to lose all hope, since I had no really close friends to talk to. Tanya was a great girl, but I couldn’t tell her the truth, because she was personally involved. Another depression episode struck me one night and I decided I have had enough. Suicide seemed to appear as the only option, but I didn’t have the courage to do it, which is why I went to a bar, hoping that if I will get drunk, everything will get easier.
If you want to know what happened next with the main characters of this story, then don’t miss the second part of it. It is coming soon…
To be continued…