Hello! For obvious reasons, I will reveal neither my true name, nor the actual location of the following events. I will call myself Mahmoud, just for the sake of it. I was born in a Muslim country and this is, from the get-go, something that indicates the impact that the religious beliefs had over my life, starting with the moment I was born.
The Muslim society is very conservative, perhaps some of the most restrictive societies in the world. I grew and lived in my country since my birth and I have never had the chance of going abroad, even though I have always wanted to. But, since this is almost a heresy, and my family can’t provide me with the necessary financial support, I am stuck in a world that I cannot understand and that doesn’t understand nor accept me. What it is the reason for my rant? I am gay and I have been so my entire life. Being gay here is never a viable option. People can get themselves killed this way and it is not more than once that I have got the chance to witness such abominations. Fear is an ever present constant, which is why you should understand why absolutely no one knows my true nature.
As you can imagine, I could never be involved in an intimate relationship with a girl, but the fact that I am a bit shy came as an explication for this in the eyes of others. Which seems just fine to me. It spare me from being forced to justify myself in any way.
But this doesn’t mean that I was happy. Once I have reached adolescence deeper feelings started to take on and I began craving for someone to love me and care for me, even though I knew that my situation was far from simple. I even started thinking that I may never be able to be happy next to someone I love and that the true meaning of this amazing feeling may always remain unknown to me. The sadness was real and I felt it every day, in everything that I did. This became even more of a problem when I began manifesting certain feelings for some of the boys in my class. At 16 years of age I was highly emotive and I was constantly on the lookout for affection and love. Then a new teacher was appointed for our class and that was the moment that influenced how my life was going to unveil from that point onwards. I believe it was love at first sight. He was absolutely gorgeous; tall with deep blue eyes and a black hair, matching his dark and neat beard and an awesomely fit body, an absolute delight. I just knew from that first moment that I am in love, but at the same time a deep sadness seized my soul, because I knew it would be an impossible dilemma to solve. That love would only have brought me pain and suffering, yet I just could not let it go. It obsessed me and I soon was not able to concentrate on any task. All I was thinking about was his dark-blue eyes and his seductive smile whenever he told us a story or explaining something funny. He had such a warm and friendly personality that I even considered I should reveal myself to him.
It first started as a simple idea, but then it grew and it grew, until I really started considering it as an actual option. I had to take that weight off of my soul. However, I considered it to be too risky to just spill my secrets to him, so I wrote a letter, exposing myself as a gay person, as well as my feelings towards him, but I didn’t tell him my real name. I just wanted to know how he would react. Passing the letter to him wasn’t that difficult. I seized the opportunity during an exam to slip him the letter along with my exam paper and I was careful enough to mix it among all the other papers, so he won’t know who wrote it. All I had to do was to wait for the next session.
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To be continued…