I am writing this because I am confused and it seems to be no easy way to get to the bottom of things. I will stick to my anonymity because I don’t want any sort of publicity, positive or negative alike. All I can say is that I am from Canada and I am 19 years old. I would like to say that I have been confused about my sexuality and everything is clearer now, but it seems like as time goes I am increasingly confused about my whole situation.
I have never talked too much about these kind of things with my parents, first of all because I never knew my father and then because my mom wasn’t interested in the subject. I pretty much had to discover things as I went along and while sexuality has not been of such interest to me, it certainly became over the time. I pretty much knew where I was from this point of view: I liked girls.
I have had 2 girlfriends so far but our relationship never worked more than few months. I don’t know why. I guess it was because I was becoming bored quickly and while they wanted affection and dedication, I was not really made for a long term commitment. To be honest, I didn’t know what I was looking for.
Then my mother got married about a year ago, for the third time and I felt like it came out of the sudden. We have already been through this, both her and I. She gets married, he abuses her for a while, they separate. Nothing new. But this time he seemed to be a bit different. He was funny and sociable and I soon realized that I actually enjoyed his company. I was making preparations for college and he really helped me in this regard. Even more, it seemed like he knew a lot about relationships and girls and he gave me a lot of advice on how to approach them and even raise their interest.
He was the first of my fathers to actually be likeable and a pretty strong bond soon formed. We were more like friends and there were times when I was even forgetting that he was my father. My mother married him after two months of relationship and despite knowing him before that, I never had the chance of actually spend time with him until they married. I often said to myself that I could share him some of my anguishes, because there was something that wouldn’t let me be, something that I knew I needed to clarify with someone. But I wasn’t very sure about it and I found it to be a bit difficult to bring the subject into discussion. However, one night I said to myself that I had to get it off my chest and I caught him in his day off and approached him.
I can remember the discussion word for word, as well as what follow afterwards. I didn’t waste any time and I went straight for the question that bugged me for a while:
“What do you think about gays?”
I previously constructed all sorts of scenarios in my head in relation to what he may answer, but I wasn’t prepared for what he actually said:
“I don’t think anything, gays are gays”
Then his confident and relaxed smile enlightened his face and since he must have noticed that I seemed a little confused about his answer, he added:
“There is only a gender distinction when talking about sex. You can either have sex with a woman or with a man. When it comes to love, there is no distinction between the two cases. You fall in love with another human being, not with a man or a woman. Love is the link between the souls, not between the genders.”
It seemed so simple and beautiful that it made me feel shame that I have never thought of the problem from that perspective. It was the most honest and mind-blowing explanation and I suddenly felt warm inside me, like a wave of relief, knowing that there was someone that had such a relaxed opinion about a phenomenon that I never fully understood.
He was still smiling at me in a way that felt a bit awkward and I noticed his eyes searching for mine. I wanted to say something, but he went ahead of me and asked:
“Why do you want to know?”
I suddenly became ashamed and he definitely noticed it. He grabbed my head with both of his hands and told me:
“You don’t need to be ashamed of who you are”
I kissed him instantly before I even think about what I was doing and I immediately backed down when my brain started working again. I had kissed my step father. Then I saw that his smile was still there…This time he kissed me, passionately, intense and I felt him gentle and loving, something that I had never felt before. It was a life changing experience that frightened and appealed to me in the same time. I knew right then that there was no turning back and that I had no choice but to accept who I truly am. I embraced him and kissed him with all my passion and commitment and what followed was something that I couldn’t even dream of. I finally understood what real love is and I understood what he meant by saying that there is no gender in love.
He still dates my mom, but he didn’t tell her what happened between him and me. I also kept this secret to myself but, funny thing is, the next day I wasn’t ashamed with what had happened. This led me to the conclusion that it does not matter what you do as long as you choose the lifestyle that makes you happy, alongside someone that shares your feelings. Love is a feeling between two adult human beings and everything else is beside the point.
Do I have the key to true happiness? No. Do I have the key to my happiness? Yes, and everybody should pursue their own happiness, without being influence with what society thinks about the concept. Be happy the way you are and you will have no regrets when you will get old and look behind!
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