A cry for help can take many forms. In the case of one extraordinarily distraught young man, it’s manifested as a desperate letter to The Gay UK.
The problem? After dating for just eight months, the sex between he and his partner has almost completely dried up. As in: “It’s not you, it’s zzzz…”
“At first the sex was phenomenal,” he writes, “and on a regular basis nearly every time we were together even 2 to 3 times a night. However, over the last 3/4 months it has rapidly decreased to nearly nothing.”
Apparently, the unlovebirds have only had sex “like maybe 4-6 times” since May, which “has been rubbish.”
An emergency weekend getaway just led to suspect excuses like “I’m too tired” and “I’m bloated,” which is apparently an excuse.
He’s upset. He likes having sex, but his partner is the withholding sort, at least with him. So what’s a desperate young man to do?
A crack team of three different advice columnists tackles the problem head on.
The first one — a certain Jordan Lohan — empathizes because he’s “personally experienced this situation”:
He’s sending out mixed messages and being incredibly controlling by being the one that decides what kind of intimacy you receive and when. Ask him, what does he want from you? Because right now he’s not offering enough to make you happy, feel good about yourself, and feel secure in your relationship, and you should make sure that he knows that in black and white.
Which is not the same as saying, “Break up with him.”
Then someone named Daniel Browne gets involved and offers up his two shiny cents.
“Over time that honeymoon period fizzles out a bit,” he writes to the man who has no sex life after eight months in a relationship.
Whatever the reasons are for your partner’s reduced interest in having sex, it is important to raise the issue and try to discuss it with him. By keeping it bottled up and not having an open conversation about your current situation, you risk becoming resentful and that may turn the issue into something bigger. It’s not often an easy subject to talk to your partner about, but communication is key to resolving things.
Which is not the same as saying, ”Break up with him.”
“Whilst sex is an important part of any relationship,” says Paul Szabo, “it is not the most important thing.
Try asking him about what he would like to do in the bedroom – he may be gagging to roll around smothered in peanut butter, but is too embarrassed to ask / talk to you about. Have a chat about your fantasies and start to introduce them….
If all else fails, you need to have a frank chat with him and say that whilst you appreciate it is not everything, sex is important to you and you would like to share such an intimate and personal thing with him. If you don’t want to blurt it out randomly in the advert break of Coronation Street, then agree on a time with him to have a discussion. Don’t frame it as ‘this is your problem and your fault’ – more as ‘you are really important to me and we need to be honest with each other, because I want this relationship to work.’”
Which is not the same thing as saying, “Break up with him and hopefully remain friends while seeking out all the people who actually want to have sex with you.”