Love is strange, or maybe I am strange. I regret the life I live because I am away from the woman I love. I hope to make it right someday but now I feel stuck and devastated.
I am a mom and a wife. I have a husband and two children, but I love a woman. How did this happen, what have I done wrong and haven’t seen the signs earlier, so I ended up near a man. I figured out the answer. I denied my sexuality because I was so absorbed by the rules, by „what is everybody else doing”. That is what I have done all my life, trying to please others, trying to do what was right when in fact I was working against myself.
I was the type of child raised in a traditional family, with traditional rules that I have foolishly followed. I wish I were a rebel. However, this is the introduction to why I am married with a guy, but I love a woman. The details are pretty much predictable.
When I reached 28 everyone had the same obsessing question: “When will you get married?” I did not dare to think for myself and their question became my motivation. I went through the whole process of finding “the right man” robotically. I did it all as if I were programmed. I married, I had two children, and we were a normal family with daily problems, meetings with our families, plans for future, but no plan for me, for what I wanted. I was a machine until the day I met her and I became human again.
I met the woman I love while I was on a business trip in another city. I checked in the hotel in the evening, unpacked and went down in the hotel’s lobby. I needed a drink so I placed myself at the bar, about to call my husband. Near me it was her, a tall woman, feminine, black hair and green eyes. She was having a Martini. While I was looking for my phone, she looked at me, “On a business trip?”… “Yes,” I answered, “me too,” she said. I forgot about my phone. “So how did you know I was on a business trip?” I asked her, and she said it was just a guess.
We chatted about our jobs, we were both working in advertising, and she invited me in her room to show me some of her work. I was really interested in the work only. But then she said that we could have some more drinks in her room and I agreed. We talked about books, movies, places and then we talked about our lives. After so many years it was the first time I told someone I hated my life, in fact it was the first time I admitted it to myself. I started crying and she took me into her arms. That moment was something I had felt before. I felt protected and understood, and I loved the soft feel of her body.
We spent the night together, and in the morning I cried again knowing that I have to leave, that I would probably never see her again. I had finally admitted to myself I was unhappy and had no way out of it. I left after hugging her for 30 minutes and crying.
But she didn’t forget about me. We had exchanged e-mails and now we write periodically. She said that ever since she met me she could stop thinking of me, and I felt the same way. We met from time to time “on business trips” and our love blossoms each time we see each other. We hide, I live a double life, we hurt, but I won’t let the circumstance steal my right to be who I am and to live how I want.
I don’t know how to break up with my husband; I don’t know how to tell our families, what to tell them? What to tell my children? How to face them all?
I hope that one day I will find a solution, because I hurt, she hurts and there is no day in my life without thinking about her.
