I am writing this because there is no one that can help me and I have gone through some painful experiences so far. My parents hate me and I ended up hating myself because of my tendencies. They have noticed my homosexual behavior ever since I was little and they have rejected me as their son since then. They seem to believe that I chose this for myself and, despite having an option, I refuse to change. I don’t know how to explain them that I am incapable of changing my tendencies.
I have tried. For years I have tried to have a normal relationship with a girl and I have been through several such relationships so far. Every one of them ended in suffering, both mine and my companion’s because I simply could not dedicate myself body and soul to her. My parents noticed that and they began claiming that I am simply stubborn and I persist in a gross and unnatural behavior that makes me behave like an animal. I have had a lot of battles with myself and I have gone through drug abuse, suicide attempts and constant denial and self-blaming and I have been constantly depressive for a while now.
Couple of weeks ago I have met David and I feel ashamed every time I think of him. I am ashamed of my feelings toward him, because he is such a nice and supportive guy, and I honestly think I have fallen in love with him. But in my world love is a word with a specific meaning and everybody around me hates me for who I am. My only support now is David and he is the only one that prevents me from crumbling in oblivion. Since I have met him I am more confident in myself and I have never went through any suicide attempt so far. He is my mental strength these days. If you wonder how can I go through suicide attempts and not being able to succeed, my answer is that I do not really want to die. It is at most a cry for help and David seems to be the only one that answered it. This aspect alone is the one that drives me on the verge of despair. He seems to be the only one in the world that is truly interested in my wellbeing and it is something that can make you feel alone and unwanted. My own parents reject me and consider me as abominable and manifesting a deviant behavior. How can I make them understand that it is not something that I can be held responsible for?
The only thing worth living for that I can find today is David’s affection. It is what gives me the strength to move on, regardless of the social and familial prejudices and I could not be more grateful for that. This does not mean that I am at peace now and this is not his fault. Whatever I may do, I cannot get over the fact that my own family hates me and is unwilling to accept me for who I am. The only thing that helps me keeping an optimistic view on the whole situation and can sustain a healthy state of mind is the realization that there are people living in far worse situations than me. I have the luck of being in the company of a loving and caring man that is heart and soul besides me. This is what gives me the strength to carry on and keep going with my life.
However, it is a constant struggle and every day I remember the hate that I am being looked at inside my own family and I truly hope that none of you will ever go through such an ordeal. For now, I could say I am at peace with myself for now and I find happiness in the arms of the man I love. I try to understand what exactly homosexuality is and the way it manifests and why we are unable to change our sexual preferences. Maybe one day I will understand. Until then, I will have to accept who I am.
