This story has been sent to us by a gay Iranian and his story is nothing short of unmeasurable love and painful sacrifice.
I am a gay man living in Iran and this statement should tell you everything you need to know about my life. Our lives. None of the ones living here actually know what free love means. Free love is a fairytale and gay people are not allowed to have it. I have stayed hidden from the world for over 15 years and I had to play the role of a regular straight guy every day of my life. And every day I have dreamt of what it would be like to taste freedom just for once, just to take a glimpse of it. You wouldn’t think that such a small thing as the sexual fulfillment could cause such ravage inside a human soul, but it is not just about sex, it is about love. I crave for love just as much as a straight guy does and unlike them, there is nothing to ease my pain here.
Last year I turned 24 and that was when I met Amir, the guy that it seemed like I was destined to fall in love with. I do believe in destiny and I do believe that while we can control some of it, most of our lives are guided by a force that cannot be tamed. And it was that force that brought Amir and I together. I knew from the first time I met him that he was going to be the one. His green eyes and the taste of his lips are still haunting me even now, from thousands of miles away.
We have been involved in a relationship for over 8 months and it was during that time that I got to find out what love is. You may look at it as an ordinary thing, but you can never prize something enough until you are forbidden from owning it. Soon it became pretty clear that I was in love with him and I knew that he was sharing my feelings. We stayed away from the world’s eyes. Here, the punishment for being gay is death, regardless of whatever you hear from officials. There are executions where the culprit cannot be found guilty of anything other than being gay. Is as simple as that and this aspect is being constantly denied in the media, where the claim is that those being executed are actually found guilty of other more serious crimes. That is not always the case. So we hid from the world and we prayed that no one will find about us. We knew the dangers, but the love between us was more powerful than anything else.
Then, after 8 months, he told me something about himself that made me fear for our relationship and even more – fear for our lives. He finally told me that he was the son of a high rank officer and that those around his father had started suspecting something. He also told me that his father was pretty strict about gays and that he would support his execution instantly.
I knew what had to be done. I told him that we need to flee the country by any means necessary, but as I kept talking to him, I could see in his eyes that he was slowly rejecting my idea. His words are still buried deep in my heart: “I cannot come. Everybody knows me here. I can’t leave”. I begged him and I insisted, but I knew that he was right in some way. If we would have been discovered trying to flee, we would have been detained and the truth would have soon come to surface. I also knew that the next decision that I was about to make would change both of our lives forever. I decided to leave for myself and I kept my decision a secret. I could not bear to tell him face to face. It was too painful. I know I may have done a mistake, but it was the only thing I could do.
Two days later I wrote Amir a final letter. I told him how much he meant for me and how he brought light into my life. I told him that I love him and that I would never forget him, not in this life nor in the next.
There are 5 months since I left my lover there and while I live now in a freer country, my heart is still in Iran, beating in another man’s chest. You want to know what love is? Love is what hurts you when you are separated from the one that you gave yourself to, body and soul.
I truly hope that I would get to see him again and I pray that he is safe, waiting for me. Love and cherish your partner, because you never know what faith may bring.
