This is actually at least equally confusing for me as it is for you, if not more. I am Jason, a 42 year old teacher from New York and I have been married with my lovely wife Samantha for the past 12 years. She has been the love of my life and I will always remember her that way for the rest of my life. I say this because one and a half years ago she died in a car accident when she was coming from work and that is when my life pretty much changed completely. We have one girl together, she is 11 now and she has suffered greatly when she lost her mother.
But this is all a thing from the past and I don’t want to dig up the dead. What I want to share with you is what has happened to me since then, because it is something that still confuses me to this day. After my wife died I really had a hard time socializing with other women. Every one of them brought back painful memories and I wanted to avoid that at all cost. I figured that I had to take a break for a while and this is what I did. I just focused on my work and taking care of my little girl and this went on for quite some time.
Then one day I ran into someone on the street and I immediately recognized Lance from high school. He was one of my best friends back in those days and I always knew he was gay. I mean it wasn’t like he was hiding much. I remember he had to endure a lot of crap coming from other children and I have always stood up by his side. He also remembered me instantly and immediately embraced me in the middle of the street. I was honestly happy to see a new face and an old friend to talk to. I found out that he was working around the area I was living in. He was a lawyer and a quite good one at that.
Our friendship reignited and we used to meet during the day for eating, talking and having a good time together. He was a funny guy and I have always liked that about him. He knew how to break the ice and how to make you smile. It was just a matter of time until I told him the story of my life and he was extremely impressed. We talked for couple of days about love, sacrifice and the true meanings of life and these must have been the most fruitful conversations I have ever had. It was just a matter of time until I would invite him to my home and present him to my daughter. I trusted him like I would trust myself.
Then one evening he came for dinner at my place and we have talked for hours after my daughter went to sleep. I considered him to be so wise and open and that is when I became honest with myself and I looked deep into my soul. I knew I liked him in a way that I had never liked a man before. I liked him like I liked a woman. My thoughts broke down as I kissed him passionately, mid-conversation, then I immediately backed down in shame. But he took my head in his hands and whispered : “It’s ok!” and he kissed me again.
There have been 2 months since then and we still see each other and the situation is not any clearer. I don’t know if I have always liked men in my heart and I have just refused to acknowledge it to myself or whether this was just a moment of weakness from my part, but one thing I know for sure: I love him with my whole heart and I know he loves me too. It is not a mere impression, because I gave it a lot of thought. It is the most sincere love I have ever felt and I am not ashamed with myself. I guess I will have to deal with it and the world will have to deal with me.
