Hi, I am Barry Smith and I am 14 and I have a problem. I am gay, I have always liked guys. Girls are nice too, but they are just not my thing. I realized this about 3 years ago and I have talked to my older brother about it, but at the time he told me that I should wait and experiment and see if I really like what I thought I like. By the way, my brother is also gay and he is 24 now.
Until one month ago we lived together with our parents, but now Ryan is gone. He got into a really bad fight with our mom and dad and he left home. It is not the first time when he is doing this, but he came back for me. He told me that he couldn’t stand living in the same house with them, but that he cared for me too much to leave me alone. He also told me, when I was younger, that I should not tell them about the fact that I like boys. I never understood why, but I think I understand now.
My mom is an English teacher and my dad works as a construction engineer. My dad drinks a lot and he always causes trouble when doing so. Especially now, when Ryan left home, he seems to be quite angry with the whole situation and it seems like I am now the central attraction. He tells me that I need to be a man and stand up for the family and have a strong character. He tells me that the Smith family has a history of strong and imposing men and that my brother is a pussy and a fag. I had to research the term fag to know what it means. I remember that he used to give more or less the same speeches to my brother. About real men and all. I guess now he is expecting me to follow his steps, like Ryan never did.
About three months ago, when Ryan fled from home for the first time he got into an arguing with my dad and I think that was the first time when he told him that he was gay. Since then it was like he had lost his minds. All he does now is talk about how Ryan is unworthy of his name and that he should never step into his house again. My mother does not seem to be as acidic as my dad is, but she talk to me numerous times and told me that I should take my brother as an example and never do what he does.
What should I do now? My brother has left for about one month and I am now alone with my parents. And I don’t know what to do. I started liking a guy in my school that I know is gay, but I cannot reveal myself to anybody. What if my parents find out?
I think I should try and find out where my brother is and ask him. Maybe he will know what I should do.