My name is Thomas and I can finally come out with pride and admit it without any shame: I am gay. I hope that my confession will help others going through the same struggle that almost killed me and that they can find their happiness, just like I did.
I was born and raised by a Christian family and I have embraced these religious values ever since I was a kid. I have followed these values without any question until I have reached 12 and then something began to change. That was when I started becoming aware of my sexuality and the fact that I found boys more appealing than girls didn’t seem abnormal to me. It was part of who I was and what I liked and I didn’t find any reason to be ashamed of. As you can imagine, my parents found out pretty fast and it is needless to say that they were abhorred. They were extremely religious and thought that being gay is an awful sin. They told me that it was a bad thing and that it was all in my head – the sooner I got rid of these thoughts the better.
But as the time passed things were not becoming any better. On the contrary, I soon found out that I could not feel any attraction towards girls at all. All I cared about were guys and I kept feeling worse and worse as the days passed. No matter how much I would try to repel these feelings, they just kept crawling back and won’t go away. I stopped talking to my family about it and whenever I was being asked, I would deny the truth.
When I got to 19 I got involved in a relationship with a girl. It was not about attraction at all, but about something else. I was desperately feeling the need for affection and love and I was deluding myself that a girl could provide me with that. She was actually a sweet companion, but no matter what she did it wasn’t pleasing me at all. I was feeling incomplete and broken and I soon ended up in depression. My family was happy with me having a girlfriend and they didn’t seem to notice anything wrong with me.
Then I have been through 2 suicide attempts and the second one got me in a 2 weeks coma from drug poisoning and this really helped me clearing my mind.
The male nurse that helped me going through those difficult moments was the only one that brought some optimism in my life. My family visited me a lot but as soon as they were coming in, it was like I was becoming depressed all over again.
Then one day I told myself that this is not going and on the day that I was getting out of the hospital I got into an arguing with my mom about everything that happened and I just lost it. I told her that I would no longer live the life she wants me to and that I have decided to be happy from then on. And then I said something that just came out of my mouth before my brain even starts working. I told her that Jeffrey, the male nurse that cared for me, was actually my boyfriend. He was present at that time and I saw his jaw dropping, along with my mom’s. I just told them that I am gay and that they cannot change that and even if they could, I wouldn’t do it because that is what makes me happy.
After that fight I had to move because my parents didn’t want me near them anymore. But that didn’t upset me like I thought it would. I finally felt free and it was a feeling that I had never felt before.
You want to know where, or more accurately putt, who I have moved with? With Jeffrey. He told me that he had falling in love with me during those days in the hospital and we are together ever since. With Jeffrey’s help I have finally learned what love is and how important it should be for all of us. I became happy the moment I accepted myself for who I was and I have realized that this is the most important thing. Nothing beats being happy with who you are, not even pleasing your family.
Jeffrey is now my family and we are getting married next year.