My mother has late-stage dementia. I handle her finances, which includes making annual donations in her name. One of the aides who cares for her has asked me to make a donation to the aide’s church.
I said I would, but when I looked up the church I saw that they will not perform same-sex weddings and that they believe homosexuality is a sin. As a gay man, I won’t support any organization that doesn’t support me. While my mother’s money is not mine, is it wrong of me to deny her aide’s request? — Name Withheld From the Ethicist: Your job, as a trustee, is to represent your mother’s values and interests.
In general, you should use her money to support causes you think she would want to support, at least within reasonable bounds. Before her current condition, you could have discussed the matter with her, expressing your deep personal misgivings. Sadly, you’ll have to proceed without consultation.
If you’re uncertain whether she would have wanted to make the donation, you’re free to have second thoughts and decline to add to the church’s collection plate. If you’re certain she would have wanted to make the donation anyway, you should do so, as an expression not of your values but hers. It isn’t enough to have ethical objections to a prospective beneficiary: A number of contentious issues divide our society, such that people on either side have ethical objections to the other.
I’m not saying that any donation is OK; I am saying that, unless you stick to a very minimal notion of what’s morally acceptable, you may simply be supplanting her views with yours, and to your credit, you’re clearly worried about doing so. There are other considerations. A church with backward views about homosexuality could also be making many positive contributions.
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