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The Always There

Good day beautiful people. This one won’t be for everybody, and I kinda feel like it may be a bad idea to write this … But fuck it — here goes.

I do not consider myself someone that gets depressed. I get down sometimes, and my mood can get very dark at times. But, for the most part, I am a fairly upbeat person.

That being said, I have a thing that lives in my head that I have started to call “The Always There.” You know what I mean; it is the voice in your head that constantly has something negative to say.

This is in no way a cry for help or a “Woe is me” kind of thing. But I am hoping that sharing this might help someone feel like they are not the only one that feels this way.

This week, I wrote down every time my Always There had something to say. Just so you know, I do not recommend doing this. There is something so awful about seeing your dark thoughts written down; it feels very unhealthy. The quickness with which the page filled up over a couple of days made me uncomfortable.

For the record, these thoughts are just a flash, and I don’t give them much brain time. But they are a constant — literally, always there, behind every regular thought, weird thought, sex thought, funny thought, sad or mad thought.

A constant.

I passed by a mirror and … “You look so fucking old. You are ugly. Your body is weird. You look gayer every day. Everyone is thinking it.”

Then, with a forced smile in the mirror, those thoughts are pushed to the back.

I am staring at my phone, waiting for my husband to get home from work, and my mind starts to wonder: “He secretly hates you. He wishes you were more talented. He wishes you weren’t so lazy. He will be happier when you die. He regrets … you.”

Then he pulls into the driveway, and I take the dogs out to greet Daddy. As he gets out of the car he says, “Hey Baybey!” in a puffed-lip Elvis impersonation, and my mind is refreshed and smiling like a giddy young queen with his first crush.

I walk into Walmart to grab some

Cassie Nova