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That time I had a $2000 panic attack over my premature male pattern baldness

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I’ve had a lot of panic attacks, but only one of them cost me $2000. It was completely avoidable, too. I could have twirled a fidget spinner, called a counselor, meditated, or had a beer.

But since I didn’t have any of those things, and since I’d recently quit drinking, I just skipped all of that and went straight to the emergency room.

Time saver! It all started when I woke up one day in my mid-twenties and thought, “My hair is growing thin,” then concluded, “I’m never going to get laid,” then

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