Why do the straights walk so much slower? Gays have theories…
quick to claim.“A couple months ago, I was shopping with my girlies, and one of them commented, ‘Slow down—you started walking a lot faster after you came out,’” one Reddit user said recently.“It comes with the card,” another replied.Subscribe to our newsletter for a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.Those comments came in a recent r/askgaybros discussion about why the heteros walk so much slower than their homosexual counterparts.“Every straight person does tell me I walk fast as sh*t, [as] if I got somewhere to be [and] I’m trying to get there, lol,” a Reddit user wrote.“Same,” another person said. “The sooner I’m there, the sooner I can be done.”As commenters chatted about walking “at a gay pace,” one said that he was on strike at the moment and that he was constantly lapping his fellow picketers.
Another said that he hosted straight friends in his overseas city “kept losing them, like, three blocks behind” as they toured around. (“Ya gotta love ’em,” he added. “They’re like adorable sloths.”)The Reddit users on that thread also offered theories, many of which were cheeky, about why the straights walk slower, and we’re recapping those hypotheses below (with responses edited for brevity and readability).“Straight people have a mutation in a specific gene, and the mutation affects their walking speed and their fashion sense.”“It can’t be only one gene, because I walk fast and my fashion sense is completely nonexistent.”“Must be a heterozygote then.”“Gays walk fast because we spent time in the closet, and now we’re trying to catch up on lost time.”“It’s because they’ve never experienced the kind of dread that comes from walking home from school while a gay middle school kid whose closet door is glass.
Going into hyperspace along a poorly traveled route was the best defense I had—learned that really quickly.”“Don’t listen to all of these liars.
