Before Jesus came around, Christmas was just another wild gay sex fest in Ancient Rome
heteroflexible. While Romans could be a bit squeamish about same-sex relationships between grown men, they generally abandoned this discomfort for Saturnalia.
Instead, this festival aimed to emulate the queertastic parties of ancient Greece, and featured, in the words of one historian, “boys running naked through the streets, women dressed as men, masters of the house waiting on slaves, and an overabundance of wine, cunnilingus, and fruitcake.” Sadly, as humanity closed out the 4th century, Saturnalia slowly receded into the past while It Boy Jesus Christ began to steal all the attention.
Then, through a savvy combination of political maneuvering and appropriation of paganism, Christians transformed it into a completely new holiday, Christmas, that eventually dominated the zeitgeist.
And lest Faith Hill suddenly enters the chat and screams, “Where are you, Saturnalia,” don’t worry. It’s here inside us: in evergreen wreaths, gift-giving, packed dinner tables, and candlelit altars.
